Thursday, March 22, 2007

Acceptance

I know I have spoken about this before. I know I have. I know other people around the blogs have said it or alluded to it. But, an incident today is causing me to bring up the subject again. A gentle reminder, dear readers, that this is my blog, my life and my feelings.

I work hard. I have a good job. I like what I do and where I do it. Someone is causing me to not like the environment. I will not get into specifics, but I am feeling “teased” and “abused” by someone and it needs to stop. Today’s (and a few other days’) incident involved my weight. I am heavy. To be honest, I am downright fat. I don’t try to hide it (c’mon, really… how could I? Leave the “extra weight” at home?). I try to look my best, do my job, eat healthy, I should exercise more… but I am not slovenly, stinky, aggressive or unfriendly.I am currently seeing a nutritionist b/c I do want to lose weight. PC loves me and I love him and neither of us wants me to be ill. So, I am trying to get it under control now. I eat very carefully at work b/c I have learned that when you are overweight, people feel obligated to offer advice…usually about the pork chow mein (that you swapped 19 Weight Watcher points (i.e. celery and water for breakfast and ice for dinner )) that you are about to enjoy b/c you painstakingly weighed out 4 ounces of it. Where was I? Oh! Yeah, so the situation involved my weight, acting like a 4 year old and me hiding in the ladies room for 20 minutes. Not wanting to make a scene, and not knowing how this would play out in my future career, I have taken 100+ deep breaths, contemplated all means of revenge and vindication and sat back at my computer with my water and my apple.

I have been quiet about this (even to PC, sorry hun… it was just becoming so much a part of my day here, that I just lumped it in with “long” when you asked how my day was.) to friends or even to family.

So, here’s what I have to say:

Young moms/dads: I know you have to teach your kids words. Please do not make me a “visual aid” when you see me and reinforce that “yes, Timmy, that lady is indeed FAT.” I know I’m fat, you know I am fat. How about overweight? “plump”? Or, how about making it a lesson in not teaching your kids to judge people?

Gym people: I know that if I go to the gym I will lose weight. If you think it’s easy for someone to walk into a gym full of thin people as a heavy person, then you should try walking into a Weight Watchers as thin person. (*FYI: I have never heard so many people say “skinny bitch” to a complete stranger than at one of these meetings… especially when the thin one announces they are there for those “stubborn 7 lbs”. Careful, that lady chewing the celery and doing the Pee-Pee dance b/c she’s on her 345 ounce of water? She will take you out… and it’s shear jealousy—I always think “what if I had started WW when I only needed to lose 7lbs?”)

All people: Take a good long look at yourself, your home, your family and your life before you make fun of someone. First, you are an adult. Teasing someone should be something you don’t do. Second, is there any part of you someone could tease? Like your hair? The fact that you have worn spit-up-on shirts everyday this week? Your accent? Your religion? Fatism ( a new word.. you like it?) is the last acceptable discrimination allowed. I can be fired for being overweight (causing the medical premium to go up), I can be denied employment b/c of it (not able to stand for 8 hours, etc..)… and I am not protected against harrassment because of my weight.

I just needed to send this out to the world and get it out. I saw something in the paper this weekend (in the advice section): it recommended that readers not barage overweight friends and colleagues with latest fad diets, etc… because you are probably not telling this person something they don’t already know. And I liked this advice. I live in this body everyday. Some days I hate it. Some days I love it. A lot of days are hard for me to get up and put on pants and enter the world. Somedays I continually beat myself up for eating breakfast or having lunch. Like I don’t deserve food. I have some weird feelings about my selfworth and my weight, but that comes from a relative and I have made peace with that person. It’s a battle, me and my weight, and it’s my battle. I’ll win. I know I will, but until then, I need some positive people on my side. So, what do I do about the Negative Nellie?

Knitting tomorrow… tonight I need to just “be” and collect myself ( hard to do at work).

31 comments:

  1. Oh geez, Kate. I'm sorry this has happened to you. People can be mean and downright stupid. Hugs.

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  2. Delurking to congratulate you on regrouping and recognizing that your value as a human being does not hinge on your outward appearance. Wish we all could remember that more often.

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  3. People can be so damned insensitive. I'm 100 pounds overweight, so I know the urge to hide too well and some days I do it.

    Tanya said it very well. It took my husband many years to help me understand that.

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  4. Michelle m_darcey@yahoo.com3:00 PM

    I'm sorry you are having such an awful time at work. People can be so hateful sometimes.

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  5. Also de-lurking to say that I think you're doing everything just right. It's horribly cliche, but true nonetheless -- Life is the journey, not the result.

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  6. Kate, I have been where you are and I have been at the other end, too. I lost a LOT of weight about 5 years ago. I know how mean and hurtful people can be. Then when I lost the weight and got way too thin, people were just as bad. I have finally found my happy, healthy weight (although every winter I gain about 10 pounds and get the comments when I walk back into WW). But I can tell you that I am still the same person I was many, many pounds ago. I wish people would realize that we are who we are on the inside and not judge by weight!
    I hope things get better for you soon.

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  7. Esther3:29 PM

    You are totally right - I'm so sorry this has happened to you - it's not right - I'm overweight also and every family get together or outing with people I haven't seen in a while inevitably ends up with dieting advice and "oh it's a shame you have such a pretty face" crap - so say it sistah - you're dead on right.

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  8. Wow. People sure can be assholes, huh? So sorry you are feeling so low. If it helps, when I first met you at SPA, the first thing I noticed about you was how fun and easy to talk you you were. Try not to let them beat you down, I know its hard to feel strong all the time.

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  9. Oh man...I am sssooo sorry.

    I have a soon to be ex that equates & judges people based on their weight and has even said to me, that no one will hire me because I am not at my optimum weight. I am heavy but I feel good about ME and know I am the same person no matter what my weight....as are you!

    Everyone is more than their weight or the number on the scale, including YOU.

    So sorry it happened with someone at work.

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  10. Well said! I'm also on the plump side with a good 30 - 40 lbs to lose just to get back to a comfortable weight. I too am fed up to the back teeth with skinny people moaning about their weight as if they have a problem.

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  11. Some people are so rude, hell just plain mean. Karma sucks, they'll get what's coming to them one of these days. I know it doesn't help but keep your chin up and know that there are people who care.

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  12. Melissa4:29 PM

    I'm really sorry this happened to you. It sounds awful.

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  13. Sending virtual hugs your way.

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  14. "Or, how about making it a lesson in not teaching your kids to judge people?"

    AMEN!

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  15. Tiffanie5:33 PM

    You are wonderful.

    Mean people always get what they deserve in the end.

    And I will say it again - you are are wonderful.

    Tiffanie

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  16. honey, i am so sorry some one was mean to you.
    our kids are not allowed to use the "f" word. we have taught them that people come in different shapes some are triangles, rectangles, or round shapes. we have 3 generations of eating disorders in my family, and in a society that is focused on appearance and experiences, i want them to be more focused on thought and character.
    and i do not want them to eat cake in an actual closet like parts of my family. if they want a piece of cake, they can have one.

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  17. Ew, some people have no manners. Or taste.

    At that anyone should care about is that you are a talented and generous person (and I'm sure those that know you better could add more adjectives).

    Besides that, whatever happened to "if you can't say anything nice...".

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  18. Goodness. That is horrible. I am so sorry that you have had to endure such indignity - people can be really thoughtless. I have the good fortune to not have had many times in my life where weight was an issue, but a few years ago when I was depressed I gained 20 lbs in 3 months. It took me a year and a half to get it all off, even though I ate healthily and excercized like a demon. I was terribly self-conscious and demoralized during that process, but it gave me a newfound respect for the difficulties that others have to suffer through to try to keep themselves healthy. It is not made any easier by teasing or unkindness. I don't know how much weight you have to lose, or how long it will take you, but I do know two things: if you are persistent and forgiving to yourself you can do it, and regardless of what you weigh you are still the same good person. No one can take that away.
    xox, J

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  19. Sigh.
    I hate being fat.
    It sucks.
    And unless you've been/are, you don't know the personal battle.
    I'm sorry it seems some people have FAT mouths.

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  20. Bravo! Well said! I HATE that society has put such pressure on people....which is why I love the sentiment of one of the latest commercials, "discover YOUR slim". We are ALL different....in multiple ways.....and that's as it should be! I admire you....and respect you! You go girl!!!!

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  21. it would be nice if "girls" stopped being mean in the 6th grade, but unfortunately that isn't the case. You are a wonderful person - remember that!!!

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  22. I too give a loud AMEN. Thank you for sharing. It must have been very hard to expose yourself that way. Children are mean especially girls. Some day I hope things will be different, but until then we all have to face the ugliness that surrounds us every day. Everyone has that one day that we succumb and it is just too much. Tomorrow is a new day, face it with a smile. If you can't manage a smile then a smirk will do.

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  23. My weight has been up and down for many years, and fortunately I have a husband who always loves me just as I am. You know your own high worth, and I hope you find a way to put the person who is tormenting you in their place. I was just telling my husband the other night that making fun of fat women seems to be the last acceptable non-PC "joke." It happens all the time, and it needs to stop. I"m sorry you are having to deal with this.

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  24. why is it that the 'stupid people' always make the most noise... you don't deserve anyone's judgement (and truth be known, no one does!)
    so sorry that the idiots got you down.
    no one deserves that.
    hugs to you .. I figure that it'll take about ten positives to out weigh one negative, so I'm sending some good hugs,.

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  25. The fact that it's at work, and one spends so much of one's time at work, just makes it all the worse. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I have no decent words of advice. One reason I became a freelancer is because I go to a different place almost every day, and when I arrive everyone is on their best behavior and are very hospitable. I do miss having a work "family," but I don't miss the crazy cliques and politics that develop.

    Good for you that you wrote about it here, though. I'm sure it was cathartic. *hugs*

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  26. Awww...I wish I could give you a hug. What I loved most about you when we met at Spa was your genuine warmth and likability. Those qualities are so much richer than being in a thin body...although, those of us fluffy sorts (as my daughter fondly calls me) would love to have both.

    Good for you for speaking out against it. If a thin person could walk one day in the life of a heavier person battling against their fat genes, they may have a better understanding of that life....and maybe be be a bit kinder and compassionate.

    Hugs!

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  27. Oh, Kate, I am so sorry you had to endure such rudeness. It is unacceptable. You are a beautiful person, inside AND OUT!
    hugging....

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  28. wow, people are incredible jerks. To behave like that as an adult. Of course they say that people that put down others like that are jsut doing it to make themselves feel better about their inadequacies. not that that makes it better, but you do deserve better.

    Hang in there. I've done weight watchers, in fact I'm a life time member. I really like it there, it's a very supportive place when you really need to lose weight. xox

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  29. also de-lurking here. I'm sorry you have to go through this. I've put on 50 extra pounds myself that I need to get rid of but it's not easy. And yes, I used to be one of those skinny bitches that always weighed 118-120.......lol. I was happy at 140 though after 3 kids but am getting close to 200 and it's devastating for me as it's not making my health problems any better. I have many health problems and one of them is my back. The docs keep telling me that if I lost some weight, it would help that too but I keep trying to tell them that with the Scheuerman's disease that I have in my back and the terrible muscle spasms I get, it's hard to walk very far at all. Most any exercise puts my back into spasms where I can't hardly stand up straight or walk. So it's not a winning situation. Ok, so I'm not as heavy as some but we all have our reasons. But once you've gained that weight it's so easy for all the skinny people in the world to say this or that. Well, it's not easy to do those things and most mornings I'm sure you wish you didn't have to go out in public. It's a horrible feeling but you're stronger than that, I know you are and from reading your latest entry, I congratulate you on being strong!!! Look at the wonderful things that you do, like the charity knitting that you got us all to do. We had so much fun!!! I got my pattern and yarn yesterday by the way.........thank you soooooo much. We're our own little group here and we love you, no matter how pleasantly plump (yes, that's my term and I like it) you are. There's just more of you to love :) Chin up!!!

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  30. Gah, this makes me so angry... stupid people!!

    Seriously though, this person making fun of you says more about their crappy self esteem and what a little person they are than anything about you.

    You do not have to take it though.

    virtual hug!

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  31. I do my best to teach my daughter (whom is thin and beautiful and will probably stay that way) to be kind to others. I have a feeling she may end up on of the "popular" girls and I really want her to be one of the ones who are popular for being kind and active as opposed to the ones who are popular by using other people as their doormats.

    You are engaged in being healthy, I read you talking about it! You do good things, you're a great writer, a talented woman...pardon my french but fuck anyone would be so shallow as to judge you by your weight. You're living your life for you and those who you love, not those idiots that take their self esteem issues out on other people.

    I'm late on the comment for this post, but reading that made me so mad I had to say something!

    <3

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